We bought our first house in December of 2008 knowing we would love to start a family. We adjusted to the responsibility of owning a house and getting settled in and were also still taking college classes. We decided in March of 2009 to start trying to conceive but when several months passed we knew their were probably some issues. Ever since I first started my cycle as a teenager I have had issues. I could go months without having a cycle and when I would finally get one they would either be short or very long and they were extremely painful and heavy. I also got several cysts that were excruciatingly painful to have to try to pass. I had so many issues that several months before I got married my gynecologist ordered that I have surgery to figure out what was going on. Nothing conclusive came back. So after several months had passed and we were not conceiving I headed back to the gynecologist to see what was going on. He then confirmed that I had PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) I remember having the hardest time coming to terms with this diagnosis. My whole world changed with that one phone call. Then he revered me to an infertility specialist. And this became our long journey to conceive.
I consider myself pretty blessed. During this difficult time and not knowing what to do my Uncle is a retired OBGYN. He helped walk me through the process of my diagnosis and helped me decide which specialist to go to. My husband and I went through round after round of treatment, we had gotten my husband tested and nothing was wrong with him it was all me. That is a tough thing to have to deal with knowing that your the reason why you can conceive. I wanted so desperately to have a baby. I knew from the time I was a child myself that one of the only things I wanted in life was to be a wife and mother and I constantly feared that the thing I wanted most my never happen. I cried to God throughout each round begging him to allow this round to work but each time I would receive a negative test. Some months my cycle would show up on its own disappointing me that we had failed yet again but other months my cycle would never show up which meant I would have to take medicine to get my cycle to start. I went through another surgery and he said there were so many cysts in each ovary that he drilled eight holes in each of them to release the pressure. I had an IUI, shots, clomid you name it. We were possibly going to have do an IVF but the first cycle after my surgery I finally got the positive test I had wanted for so long.
I could hardly believe what I saw! I remember having to use the restroom at 6am on Saturday morning and taking the test and screaming for my husband to wake up. To say my husband is not a morning person is an understatement I think he had the worst reaction of any father-to-be. He came to the bathroom to see the positive test and I can't exactly remember his words I just remember him being happy about the news but having no reaction and then heading right back to bed and going to sleep. I thought how in the world are you suppose to sleep after finding out that we are pregnant, something we had waited so long and hard for! I wanted so badly to tell my parents and grandparents in a fun creative way, but nothing had happened as planned. It was June 26, 2010 just two days away from my moms birthday and what better birthday present then to find out your going to be a grandparent.. well I was too freaked out by having a positive test that I called her immediately to pray that this test would not be wrong. I was so afraid of getting my hopes up for this test to be wrong and I would be heart broken. I could not wait to get ready and head to my grandparents so that as soon as they woke up I could tell them the news. We caught them right out of bed and I showed them the positive tests as soon as we walked into the door. We all cried and thanked God for finally answering our prayer.
I got my blood taken and was told my levels were very high so we knew going into our first ultrasound that their was a good chance we were having multiples. I will never forget that first sight of seeing that I had a baby living inside of me. This was such an unreal experience of something that I had dreamed about experiencing my entire life. He spotted the first baby and confirmed that we were pregnant and then immediately spotted the second. I could not believe that we were having twins , I felt like I was walking around in a dream. I looked forward to all of our ultrasounds and seeing our little babies and listening to their heartbeats and watching them grow. We came back from a family reunion out of state and headed into our routine ultrasound looking forward to seeing our little babies. I immediately knew something was wrong and thought that I could throw up. My worst nightmare was confirmed when he could not find the heartbeat of baby A. He informed me that the baby had just stopped growing and had no longer had a heartbeat. I didn't know how you could miscarry a twin and what that would mean for the baby we were still carrying. He said that my body would just absorb the baby and it would just go away.
I did not know that you could feel that amount of pain and happiness at the same time. How was I to grieve this baby that we lost while I still had one growing inside of me. I was so paranoid that I would also loose the baby and feared I would not be able to move on. My cousin and his wife had also announced that they were expecting and our due dates were only a few days apart. The thought kept crossing my mind that if I lost this second baby and was left with nothing I would have a constant reminder with them having their baby so close to ours. This was a huge struggle for me and again I kept crying out to God.
What was suppose to be the happiest times of our lives turned out to be another constant struggle. We went in for our 20 week ultrasound and were so excited to find out the sex. We had names picked out for a boy and a girl and could not wait to start calling it by name. Again I knew something was wrong not long into the ultrasound. The joy of finding out that we were going to have a daughter quickly faded when we got the devastating news that she was going to be born with two heart defects and could possibly have a list of several other things wrong with her. We met with a genetic counselor who explain to us what her defects meant and that we would need other testing to find out is she would have down syndrome or cleft lip. They told us that the testing could have slight risks and we were also asked if we would like to abort our baby. We were told that they could not give us any guarantees of how she would come out or if she would be a vegetable. We were informed that we had to meet with a heart specialist for further ultrasounds and they could give us more conclusive information about her heart diagnosis. We turned down any testing that would cause the slightest harm to our baby girl and informed them that we did not care how she came out that in no way would we ever abort our baby girl. We loved her from the moment we got that positive pregnancy test and we were not turning back.
We had our appointment with the heart doctors and had our ultrasound that seemed like it was forever. We had to stop the ultrasound several times because I felt like I was having a panic attack. I could not believe this was happening to us. The doctor informed us more on her diagnosis and what that would mean. We did not know if she would need emergency surgery or if her heart could hold out until she got bigger. They monitored me up until it was time for delivery and it was still up in the air if I could deliver at our regular maternity hospital with my OBGYN or if I would need to deliver at the children's hospital in Cincinnati where she would have to have her heart surgery. This was very unsettling as this was the time that I was suppose to be preparing for delivering my first baby and we lived over 45 minutes away from the hospital in Cincinnati. My mind constantly raced over what would happen with my delivery and if my water would break how would I get to the hospital. God has a way of working everything out for good and I am so glad that I serve such an awesome God!
March 1, 2011 I went in for what should have been our last OB appointment as my due date was March 4th. I had such severe swelling with this pregnancy that my legs were twice to three times their normal size. My doctor informed me that due to the severe swelling, my blood pressure being high, and there was so protein in my urine that he was sending me to the hospital to be induced. I was already 4cm dilated and they said it was time to have this baby! I called my Husband immediately and he called his work and we all headed to the hospital. I was so thankful that we did not have to deliver at the children's hospital in Cincinnati. After several attempts to get an epidural they realized it was next to impossible. I delivered our daughter in on OR room so that we could be close to the NICU if anything were to go wrong and after 15 hours of labor and 4 hours of pushing our beautiful Ella was born weighing 9lbs 5 oz and 21 3/4 inches long. As painful as it was it was the best thing I have went through in my entire life. I can not describe how amazing it was to hold that baby girl in my arms after all that we had been through, knowing that we had a long and uncertain journey ahead of us. She did have to stay in the NICU but she was perfectly healthy! She still had her two heart defects and when she would have surgery was unknown, but looking at her you would never know anything was wrong.
Ella went through monthly heart check ups each showing that she was doing good enough to keep pushing the surgery day back until she grew bigger and stronger which was such an answer to prayer. The bigger she would be for surgery the better. They said they would ideally like to do surgery around 6 months of age if her heart could hold out. Again during this waiting period if you would see her you would never know anything was wrong with her. She was spunky and had so much personality and thrived at whatever she would do. Her 6 month birthday came and the phone call we were dreading finally came. They scheduled her surgery without evening knowing that the day they scheduled it for was one year on the day that we had the ultrasound diagnosing her heart defect. We got everything planned and ready for her surgery day and two weeks after the phone call we were having dinner just like any other night and put Ella into her jumpy like we had always done since that was her favorite place to be. My husband had went to take the dogs out and I looked over at Ella and her face was all blue. I screamed and ran to her picked her up out of her jumpy and yelled for my husband to come inside. I held her lifeless body in my arms and cried to God to spare her. We called 911 but before they even got to our house she had begun breathing. Her doctor put her on Beta blockers to help her heart hold out until surgery. They moved her surgery date up and we rushed to get everything prepared. I was so stressed with all of this that my body broke out into hives and I itched horribly. I kept asking my Grandma to pray that I could not deal with this itching while we would be in the hospital with her surgery.
September 29, 2011 a day that will always have a special place in my heart. Our daughter had open heart surgery. I will never forget how hard it was to hand her over to the nurses knowing what was going to be ahead. I remember wishing they could sedate me because I didn't think my heart could take it. After handing her over I didn't think I was going to be able to put one foot in front of the other and walk to the waiting room. I remember getting to the waiting room and my Dad coming right up to me and holding me so tight just letting me sob into his shoulder. Those hours of waiting I thought were going to be the worst hours of my life but having my family there to support us helped us through those darkest hours. When we were finally told that we could go back and see her for the first time I remember running to her I was not going to let anything stop me from getting to my baby girl, but nothing in this whole world can prepare a parent for what they will see. I never thought in my worst nightmare I would have to see my daughter like that but I thanked God that he had his hand over her and protected her during that time. Our whole time in the hospital God has his hand over my entire family. My hives went away the second she was out of surgery and Ella exceed every goal they had told us to expect. Doctors and nurses we simply amazed by her and we give that credit and glory to God alone.
Ella is going to be 3 in March and we have since welcomed a son Carter who is turning 1 on January 25th. We still cannot conceive on our own but we are ok with seeking help from our specialist. Even though we have to receive help to conceive we know that God is the only one who allows us to get pregnant and that we get pregnant in the timing that he wants us to. That was a hard concept for people in our church to grasp and I am tired of their judgement. Ella has since went back to her heart specialist for yearly check ups and they see no more surgeries in her future. Our last check up her specialist told us that they have never seen a case like hers and she replied back to her doctor that "God had healed her heart at the doctors" We will never understand why God allowed us to endure all that we did, we will never stop hurting over the loss of Ella's twin, but we know that God has brought us through this journey for a reason and we trust his plan for our lives. We serve such an amazing God even if that means enduring hardships and trials because without him those hardships and trials would be far worse to have to endure and I am so thankful we had him by our side when we went through them.
I hope that you can be encouraged by our story and that with God ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!
Taylor
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