Small Moments of Joy that keep you hanging on

Things have been rough lately ....

Boy are hitting the three year mark no joke!! oh and did I mention that three year old girls are really no joke!! I feel like sometimes I am just surviving day by day with the daily battles with her and when they hit 1. I feel like pulling my hair out 2. I want to cry out and pray over her teenage years 3. I have to deal with the incident. I realize that she is three and is going to behave like a three year old but I miss the days when there wasn't an every day battle about every 2.5 seconds. The other week I had just had my limit with the not listening, whining, and attitude and I was just having a bad day. I looked forward to putting her to bed and having a break until the morning but in the middle of my upset she saw the moon and said "Look Mommy there is your moon! You love me to the moon and back!" Right then and there I instantly melted and stopped and realized that God gives you these sweet moments in the middle of the battles to help you be able to hang on. 

I feel like God keeps speaking to me through these moments of joy with my kids. It is not easy to have these daily battles with her and also have her one year old brother going through cutting teeth but the moments of laughter and sweet little sayings make you feel like you can conquer anything and we can conquer these trying times. 

Despite the frustration and wanting so badly for her to turn out to be a good little girl who listens and obeys and doesn't whine and have an attitude of a teenager I see a glimpse of the sweet good girl that I hoping comes out at the end of this. I am loving the little person that she is becoming and I love watching her develop and learn things each day. It amazes me how quickly she can pick up things but then boggles me that she can do the same bad thing over and over again and not learn anything despite the consequences. As hard as it is for me to wrap my mind around at times God reminds me that I can do the very same thing. God continually tries to teach me things and I continually screw up even when I know what the right thing to do is. 

I am trying to find joy in each of these moments with my babies because I know this is time is just a season... even if it at times is a rough season I can hang on because I know that this will soon fade to another season... I am so thankful for this time with them and pray over them daily. I know I will miss these days..

Hang on Momma's there is a light at the end of the tunnel... 

Would love to hear your thoughts or if you are battling these same struggles so don't be afraid to leave a comment.. Us Momma's have to stick together ; )

Infertility, Miscarriage, and clinging to our faith in God.

My husband and I married in July of 2008. We dated for two years and married on the anniversary of him asking me to be his girlfriend. My husband got the call on our honeymoon that he would start his second job the day we returned. We were both in college and he had a weekend job to support us but got a paid internship for in the field which he was going to college for. This was a huge adjustment for us as newly weds. We returned from our honeymoon and barely ever saw each other. He worked Monday-Thursday for his internship from 8am-6pm and Thursday-Sunday he worked his weekend job from 6am-6pm and also attended classes in the evening during the week. This was a very lonely time for me as I felt as this was suppose to be the best time of our marriage and we weren't getting to live that out. We tried to do all of the right things and make very wise choices taking into consideration for our future but the thing is you never know what the future will hold. 

We bought our first house in December of 2008 knowing we would love to start a family. We adjusted to the responsibility of owning a house and getting settled in and were also still taking college classes. We decided in March of 2009 to start trying to conceive but when several months passed we knew their were probably some issues. Ever since I first started my cycle as a teenager I have had issues. I could go months without having a cycle and when I would finally get one they would either be short or very long and they were extremely painful and heavy. I also got several cysts that were excruciatingly painful to have to try to pass. I had so many issues that several months before I got married my gynecologist ordered that I have surgery to figure out what was going on. Nothing conclusive came back. So after several months had passed and we were not conceiving I headed back to the gynecologist to see what was going on. He then confirmed that I had PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) I remember having the hardest time coming to terms with this diagnosis. My whole world changed with that one phone call. Then he revered me to an infertility specialist. And this became our long journey to conceive. 

I consider myself pretty blessed. During this difficult time and not knowing what to do my Uncle is a retired OBGYN. He helped walk me through the process of my diagnosis and helped me decide which specialist to go to. My husband and I went through round after round of treatment, we had gotten my husband tested and nothing was wrong with him it was all me. That is a tough thing to have to deal with knowing that your the reason why you can conceive. I wanted so desperately to have a baby. I knew from the time I was a child myself that one of the only things I wanted in life was to be a wife and mother and I constantly feared that the thing I wanted most my never happen. I cried to God throughout each round begging him to allow this round to work but each time I would receive a negative test. Some months my cycle would show up on its own disappointing me that we had failed yet again but other months my cycle would never show up which meant I would have to take medicine to get my cycle to start. I went through another surgery and he said there were so many cysts in each ovary that he drilled eight holes in each of them to release the pressure. I had an IUI, shots, clomid you name it. We were possibly going to have do an IVF but the first cycle after my surgery I finally got the positive test I had wanted for so long. 

I could hardly believe what I saw! I remember having to use the restroom at 6am on Saturday morning and taking the test and screaming for my husband to wake up. To say my husband is not a morning person is an understatement I think he had the worst reaction of any father-to-be. He came to the bathroom to see the positive test and I can't exactly remember his words I just remember him being happy about the news but having no reaction and then heading right back to bed and going to sleep. I thought how in the world are you suppose to sleep after finding out that we are pregnant, something we had waited so long and hard for! I wanted so badly to tell my parents and grandparents in a fun creative way, but nothing had happened as planned. It was June 26, 2010 just two days away from my moms birthday and what better birthday present then to find out your going to be a grandparent.. well I was too freaked out by having a positive test that I called her immediately to pray that this test would not be wrong. I was so afraid of getting my hopes up for this test to be wrong and I would be heart broken. I could not wait to get ready and head to my grandparents so that as soon as they woke up I could tell them the news. We caught them right out of bed and I showed them the positive tests as soon as we walked into the door. We all cried and thanked God for finally answering our prayer. 

I got my blood taken and was told my levels were very high so we knew going into our first ultrasound that their was a good chance we were having multiples. I will never forget that first sight of seeing that I had a baby living inside of me. This was such an unreal experience of something that I had dreamed about experiencing my entire life. He spotted the first baby and confirmed that we were pregnant and then immediately spotted the second. I could not believe that we were having twins , I felt like I was walking around in a dream. I looked forward to all of our ultrasounds and seeing our little babies and listening to their heartbeats and watching them grow. We came back from a family reunion out of state and headed into our routine ultrasound looking forward to seeing our little babies. I immediately knew something was wrong and thought that I could throw up. My worst nightmare was confirmed when he could not find the heartbeat of baby A. He informed me that the baby had just stopped growing and had no longer had a heartbeat. I didn't know how you could miscarry a twin and what that would mean for the baby we were still carrying. He said that my body would just absorb the baby and it would just go away. 

I did not know that you could feel that amount of pain and happiness at the same time. How was I to grieve this baby that we lost while I still had one growing inside of me. I was so paranoid that I would also loose the baby and feared I would not be able to move on. My cousin and his wife had also announced that they were expecting and our due dates were only a few days apart. The thought kept crossing my mind that if I lost this second baby and was left with nothing I would have a constant reminder with them having their baby so close to ours. This was a huge struggle for me and again I kept crying out to God. 

What was suppose to be the happiest times of our lives turned out to be another constant struggle. We went in for our 20 week ultrasound and were so excited to find out the sex. We had names picked out for a boy and a girl and could not wait to start calling it by name. Again I knew something was wrong not long into the ultrasound. The joy of finding out that we were going to have a daughter quickly faded when we got the devastating news that she was going to be born with two heart defects and could possibly have a list of several other things wrong with her. We met with a genetic counselor who explain to us what her defects meant and that we would need other testing to find out is she would have down syndrome or cleft lip. They told us that the testing could have slight risks and we were also asked if we would like to abort our baby. We were told that they could not give us any guarantees of how she would come out or if she would be a vegetable. We were informed that we had to meet with a heart specialist for further ultrasounds and they could give us more conclusive information about her heart diagnosis. We turned down any testing that would cause the slightest harm to our baby girl and informed them that we did not care how she came out that in no way would we ever abort our baby girl. We loved her from the moment we got that positive pregnancy test and we were not turning back. 

We had our appointment with the heart doctors and had our ultrasound that seemed like it was forever. We had to stop the ultrasound several times because I felt like I was having a panic attack. I could not believe this was happening to us. The doctor informed us more on her diagnosis and what that would mean. We did not know if she would need emergency surgery or if her heart could hold out until she got bigger. They monitored me up until it was time for delivery and it was still up in the air if I could deliver at our regular maternity hospital with my OBGYN or if I would need to deliver at the children's hospital in Cincinnati where she would have to have her heart surgery. This was very unsettling as this was the time that I was suppose to be preparing for delivering my first baby and we lived over 45 minutes away from the hospital in Cincinnati. My mind constantly raced over what would happen with my delivery and if my water would break how would I get to the hospital. God has a way of working everything out for good and I am so glad that I serve such an awesome God!

March 1, 2011 I went in for what should have been our last OB appointment as my due date was March 4th. I had such severe swelling with this pregnancy that my legs were twice to three times their normal size. My doctor informed me that due to the severe swelling, my blood pressure being high, and there was so protein in  my urine that he was sending me to the hospital to be induced. I was already 4cm dilated and they said it was time to have this baby! I called my Husband immediately and he called his work and we all headed to the hospital. I was so thankful that we did not have to deliver at the children's hospital in Cincinnati. After several attempts to get an epidural they realized it was next to impossible. I delivered our daughter in on OR room so that we could be close to the NICU if anything were to go wrong and after 15 hours of labor and 4 hours of pushing our beautiful Ella was born weighing 9lbs 5 oz and 21 3/4 inches long. As painful as it was it was the best thing I have went through in my entire life. I can not describe how amazing it was to hold that baby girl in my arms after all that we had been through, knowing that we had a long and uncertain journey ahead of us. She did have to stay in the NICU but she was perfectly healthy! She still had her two heart defects and when she would have surgery was unknown, but looking at her you would never know anything was wrong. 

Ella went through monthly heart check ups each showing that she was doing good enough to keep pushing the surgery day back until she grew bigger and stronger which was such an answer to prayer. The bigger she would be for surgery the better. They said they would ideally like to do surgery around 6 months of age if her heart could hold out. Again during this waiting period if you would see her you would never know anything was wrong with her. She was spunky and had so much personality and thrived at whatever she would do. Her 6 month birthday came and the phone call we were dreading finally came. They scheduled her surgery without evening knowing that the day they scheduled it for was one year on the day that we had the ultrasound diagnosing her heart defect. We got everything planned and ready for her surgery day and two weeks after the phone call we were having dinner just like any other night and put Ella into her jumpy like we had always done since that was her favorite place to be. My husband had went to take the dogs out and I looked over at Ella and her face was all blue. I screamed and ran to her picked her up out of her jumpy and yelled for my husband to come inside. I held her lifeless body in my arms and cried to God to spare her. We called 911 but before they even got to our house she had begun breathing. Her doctor put her on Beta blockers to help her heart hold out until surgery. They moved her surgery date up and we rushed to get everything prepared. I was so stressed with all of this that my body broke out into hives and I itched horribly. I kept asking my Grandma to pray that I could not deal with this itching while we would be in the hospital with her surgery. 

September 29, 2011 a day that will always have a special place in my heart. Our daughter had open heart surgery. I will never forget how hard it was to hand her over to the nurses knowing what was going to be ahead. I remember wishing they could sedate me because I didn't think my heart could take it. After handing her over I didn't think I was going to be able to put one foot in front of the other and walk to the waiting room. I remember getting to the waiting room and my Dad coming right up to me and holding me so tight just letting me sob into his shoulder. Those hours of waiting I thought were going to be the worst hours of my life but having my family there to support us helped us through those darkest hours. When we were finally told that we could go back and see her for the first time I remember running to her I was not going to let anything stop me from getting to my baby girl, but nothing in this whole world can prepare a parent for what they will see. I never thought in my worst nightmare I would have to see my daughter like that but I thanked God that he had his hand over her and protected her during that time. Our whole time in the hospital God has his hand over my entire family. My hives went away the second she was out of surgery and Ella exceed every goal they had told us to expect. Doctors and nurses we simply amazed by her and we give that credit and glory to God alone. 

Ella is going to be 3 in March and we have since welcomed a son Carter who is turning 1 on January 25th. We still cannot conceive on our own but we are ok with seeking help from our specialist. Even though we have to receive help to conceive we know that God is the only one who allows us to get pregnant and that we get pregnant in the timing that he wants us to. That was a hard concept for people in our church to grasp and I am tired of their judgement. Ella has since went back to her heart specialist for yearly check ups and they see no more surgeries in her future. Our last check up her specialist told us that they have never seen a case like hers and she replied back to her doctor that "God had healed her heart at the doctors" We will never understand why God allowed us to endure all that we did, we will never stop hurting over the loss of Ella's twin, but we know that God has brought us through this journey for a reason and we trust his plan for our lives. We serve such an amazing God even if that means enduring hardships and trials because without him those hardships and trials would be far worse to have to endure and I am so thankful we had him by our side when we went through them.

I hope that you can be encouraged by our story and that with God ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE! 

Taylor  

#tayloreveryday2014

       I follow a lot of other Mommy blogs and I loved how a lot of them put a year end recap. I wanted to do this so badly and I tried very hard. I had filled out most of our events over the last year, but certain months were missing since I can't seem to remember where I have placed my old calendar. I have gave up hope in finishing it, but 2013 will stand out in my mind as a BIG year. I will never forget this year as we brought home our sweet baby boy. This was a year of transition as we adjusted to being parents of two children. It also was an adjustment to get used to running on very little sleep, boy was that a very difficult time of 2013. Having a colic/reflux baby who is still waking throughout the night and a rambunctious toddler is something I didn't think I would make it through. Now looking back I realized that God used that time to draw me near to him and reveal to me things about who he was shaping me to be. 2013 will also mark the 1st year we got to take a real family vacation and also the 1st time to ever get to take the kids to the beach. It was so wonderful and we have so many great memories and we are looking forward to getting to do it again. I look back on this year and no matter what trials, or hard times we had to face this year I can't help but look back on it and see how blessed we are, and that makes me very thankful!

        I have been following another blog for awhile and have enjoyed her daily pictures/posts on what has been happening in her life over 2013. I thought it was such a unique way to document your life and children over the year that I am making that my challenge to do over 2014. I am excited to look back over 2014 and see how we documented each day and how the kids change/grow over the year. So here is my first post on our first week of 2014.

#tayloreveryday2014
Week # 1

Day # 1~ First day of 2014 was spent taking down Christmas decorations and getting to spend our last day with Daddy before he goes back to work. What is a family picture without a fussy baby that doesn't want to sit still and a toddler playing dress up and not smiling ; )

 

Day# 2 ~We are missing Daddy since he had to go back to work today, but are spending this snowy 2nd day playing kitchen and trying to share ; )

 

Day # 3~ The weather has been in the negatives so we spent the day nice and warm inside playing and having a dance party. Wearing our Ohio State shirts supporting the buckeyes in what will hopefully be a win tonight.

 

Day # 4~ Spent the morning with my two loves playing and then running some errands this afternoon all by myself.

Day # 5 ~Today was spent relaxing and enjoying our time together as a family. The weather has been so sold and with the predicted snow we stayed in instead of going to church. I will miss the days when I can no longer rock and cuddle any of my babies to sleep. It is such a sweet time with them.

Day # 6~ With the below zero temperatures we stayed inside all day and played and cuddled up with blankets. Ella played Mommy to Carter and decided to wipe his face since he drooled and for once there was no fighting between the two of them ; ) 

 

So far 2014 is starting out nicely, despite the weather. I have loved getting to just be stuck at home and having time with my two little loves!

Cara Box Reveal ~ November

I loved participating in this Cara Box exchange because for the first time we got a longer amount of time to get to know our partners and shop for the best box for them. This months theme was "Fall". We got to know our partner and filled a box with a bunch of items that centered around everything they love about this season.This Month I was paired with Stayc and I loved getting to know her and what her favorite things about Fall were. We had a lot in common of what we love about Fall and things we like to do with our families. I loved putting together her box and was so excited for her to get it. If you want to check out what I got her then go check out her blog! I also loved getting to know Tiffanie her little man and my little man are very close in age so that was pretty neat to have in common. Here is what she got me. 

1. Country Loving Magazine ~ because I told her how much I love reading magazines and love to bake/cook. Looking forward to finding some fun recipes to try for Thanksgiving. 

 2. Pumpkin Spice Candle & Candle plate ~ my favorite Fall scent is pumpkin spice so I loved seeing this when I opened the box. 
  
3. Starbucks Coffee ~ my favorite coffee is Starbucks and one of my favorite things in the Fall is to get their coffee and curl up on the couch. 

4. Muffin Tins ~ loved these fall muffin tins and was so excited to use them for my moms group when I took muffins for our brunch. 

5. Fall Cookie Cutters ~ I was so excited when I saw these because my Husband and I were talking about how fun it would be to make cookies with our daughter and use cookie cutters and here they were when I opened my box. 

6. Fall Dish Towel ~ This will come in handy with all the baking I will be doing and it is so cute

. Thank you so much for my box it was thoughtful and fit me so well. I loved getting to know both of these girls over the last couple months and hope to stay in contact with them . 

Cara Box Reveal

This months Cara Box was Seasons of Life and I enjoyed this month so much because we got to link up with other women who were in similar seasons of  life as us. I got to know Kari she is also a Mommy to twin two year old girls. I loved getting to know her and shop for her and her sweet girls, her girls are very close in age to Ella. I also got to know Brittany she is also a Mommy and has a seven month old son. It was nice getting to know her as her son and Carter are very close in age. I absolutely loved the box that she put together for me. She has taught me that it is ok to take some "me-time" and she put a box together for just that.

Thank you so much Brittany for my box. It was so thoughtful and I LOVED it!

Weekend Recap

This was such a wonderful weekend. I love spending time together as a family of four. We started our weekend having Chris mother over on Friday night for dinner and to play with the kids and we had a nice evening. Saturday we got to sleep in which was so rare and much needed. We cuddled in bed and had some pancakes from Frisch's and it was so good! 

We got a special at a studio and got the kids pictures taken and they were so precious. We had to exchange some shoes for Ella at Target and got some cute pictures of their sibling love.

I got to have some cuddle time with my little man while Chris went and mowed grass and Ella was still down for her nap. I love some quality one on one time with this sweet boy. It was a rough start with him and we still have some days but he is turning out to be the sweetest baby and a blessing to us more than we could have imagined.

 We went to church Saturday night and it has been amazing seeing how God is just touching and working of the lives of my Husband and I and the message the Pastor preached on hit right to what Chris and I are studying together. I pray that if any of you don't know Jesus you will ask him to be your savior because it will be the greatest decision you will ever make. Sunday we headed back to church and went to our young marrieds Sunday school class and while Daddy and Mommy got ready my sweet babies wanted to cuddle in bed and watch tv. It makes me laugh that they choose to cuddle and love on each other and I pray that this always lasts. ( I know it's a high expectation) 

After church we had a nice lunch at home and put the kiddos down for a nap and we decided we wanted to watch the sermon online from a few weeks ago that we missed because it is a part of the series that he is doing about the end times. This past week we finished The Bible series that the History channel did and then decided to watch the Left Behind series. We have been discussing stuff about the Bible and the end times and watching these movies as a couple and it has been a wonderful bonding time together. After watching the sermon we decided to watch the Passion of the Christ movie and what a wonderful reminder it is what our Savior endured to pay for our sins. 

When the kids got up from their nap we headed out back to play while Daddy changed the oil and grilled some chicken for dinner. Ella made such a mess with her water and sand table that I had to take her clothes off. She was one big mess but loved every minute of it. Carter and Mommy loved swinging on the swing together and talking. 

Ella was born to worship and one of her favorite songs is "It is well" so what a perfect way to end our wonderful weekend but singing this at dinner. ( I know your probably not suppose to sing at the dinner table but when it comes to worshiping I guess it's acceptable  to break the rules every now and then.)

I hope that you all had a blessed weekend. I love spending time with my little family and I can't wait to see what fun next weekend holds for us. 

Cara Box Exchange

I had the wonderful experience of participating in what is called a Cara Box Exchange. It is where blogging and non-blogging women can connect and exchange a care package to each other. I loved getting to know two girls throughout this month and getting to connect with them. ( I got to know a girl through email and make a box for her based on the theme of the month and also by finding out what she likes. Then a girl gets to know me and creates a box for me. That is how you get to know two girls every month.) I also loved getting to go shopping for someone else and find things that I was hoping she would enjoy. It was exciting to know that a box was coming for me as well and wondering what little treasures she would come up with. 

This is my Cara Box that I got in the mail last week. My partners name is Aukele (I mean how pretty of a name is that.) She included the cutest hand made note explaning what everything is. She knew I loved to bake so she got me the cutest cupcake kit with the July's theme Nautical  I am so excited to use them at our family reunion. Also included is some super adoreable straws and nail polish that go along with the Nautical theme. I absolutely LOVED that she included these two homemade seasoning and macadamia nut peanut butter from her home state of Hawaii. (It was super hard not to be jealous that she lives in Hawaii while I live in good ole Ohio : / ) She also made me the most beautiful handmade nautical water painting but the day it arrived in the mail it rained here and they left the envelope on my front porch! I was so looking forward to putting it in a frame and was so bummed to see it ruined. 

I loved participating in this exchange and can not wait to do it again! I loved how the rules were set up and that there is a $15 minimum. It can get a little pricey especially with two little babies at home but since I am a 24/7 Mommy I loved having something for myself and getting to know other girls and without having to find a babysitter and leave my precious babies! If you want to know more about this you can go to http://www.wifessionals.com/  (click under the Cara Box Exchange) 

Hoping that you all have a blessed weekend 

I hope to post more on this blog when I get the hang of this whole blogging thing.

Taylor